One year ago…..

I greatly appreciate all the kind words, thoughtful cards and fabulous prayers that have been sent our way for Joel’s one year anniversary.  I have to admit that Saturday was not as difficult for me as I feared it would be.  Perhaps that was due to the fact that the kids and I were at McCormick’s Creek State Park for Joel’s annual family reunion.  It was nice to be able to spend the day with Joel’s immediate and extended family.

Of course, yesterday might not have been hard for me since it was truly like every other day since July 24, 2009 — I thought of Joel throughout the day, all day long, just like I do every day.  Being at McCormick’s Creek brought back numerous memories for me of previous years that Joel and I attended the reunion — including the years prior to having kids.  We had some truly great times during our summer visits to that state park.  365 days later, I still struggle with the fact that I cannot talk to my best friend.  I cannot hear his opinions on current events.  I cannot watch the Cardinals with him.  He is no longer able to say funny things to me, which many times made me laugh so hard my stomach would hurt.  Now, it is just my heart that aches.

Almost anything triggers a memory of Joel — a song, a certain sound or smell, a saying or movie, certain places or people — or nothing at all, such as when I am cleaning my house and find that in the middle of vacuuming, I am crying due to a thought of Joel running through my head.  Though I would give anything for the previous couple of years to have never happened — on May 20, 2008, Joel was diagnosed with heartburn instead of stage 4 esophageal cancer — I have been counting my blessings at the many great memories that I have of time spent with Joel.  We had a blast together at Purdue.  I am absolutely privileged to be the one he choose to marry.  Three great kids are the product of that marriage.  Though I had never planned ahead, I had always just assumed that we would tackle the teenage years of these kids together.  We would help each one adjust to their new surroundings as they went off to college.  We would rejoice at our children’s weddings and enjoy our grandkids together.  At our 50th wedding anniversary, we look back and remember all the great times together.  Though Joel and I will not experience any of the aforementioned events together, I am truly grateful for the many years that I have known Joel.  All the wonderful memories I have with the man I love will be with me forever.