Emotional night

Posted by April on April 22nd, 2010 filed in Family

I am very hesitant to write this evening since tonight was very tough for me.  Well, actually, every night is hard for me — I so miss not having Joel to sit with and talk to, like we did every night.  Once the kids were tucked into bed, it was our time.  I miss hearing how his day was, what happened in the world of sports that day, watching a game with him, hearing his take on current events…..I miss him so much.  But, for Shelli’s sake, I must write……

Tonight, as the kids were winding down and getting ready for bed, an errant football came flying from the hallway into my bedroom.  It knocked down a vase of dried roses from Joel’s funeral.  The sight of all those rose petals and stems scattered all over my bedroom floor, knowing they were “Joel’s” flowers, made me scream.  Of course I completely scared the kids.  I simply broke down and cried.  I tried to figure out what made me more upset — the fact that the flowers from my husband’s funeral – a man that should be downstairs in the living room, waiting on me to put kids to bed so that we can hang out – are spread all over the floor, even though they aren’t Joel, in fact, he didn’t even order them, yet they were sent to him as a sign of other people’s love for him — or was I more upset that the kids were playing ball in the house, something I have told them umpteen times not to do, and realizing that if Joel was still here, he would have said it once to them to stop that behavior and that would have been it.  Joel was always so much better at disciplining the kids than me.  And yes, they are getting away with murder right now.  I have had a family therapist try to walk me through how to successfully guide and discipline them without Joel’s assistance (“since they will be teenagers soon”), yet I admit defeat in this area.  As many of you know, raising kids is exhausting.  I feel so outnumbered.  I am burned out trying to verbally correct misbehavior.  Sometimes the consequences for their actions are more troublesome for me than they are for the kids.  I attempted to collect myself before saying goodnight to each child.

So, having just tucked in three children into three beds, I gathered up a kitten from my bedroom to take downstairs for her dinner.  So many thoughts and emotions flew through my mind as I took the last step into the foyer and I heard the door to the garage close — just as it did so many times every night when Joel would walk in and out of the garage.  My heart leapt with joy as I thought for certain it had to be Joel coming in from the garage, yet my mind quickly corrected that thought, crushing the idea with the fact that it would not be possible.  The only logical conclusion was that I had imagined hearing the door shut when it had not.  I screamed when I almost walked into someone in my living room!  I surprised Rachel as much as she had startled me.  All these emotions going through me in a matter of seconds forced me to sit on the couch and cry.

Often, July 24th feels like yesterday to me.  I think of what ended up being my last conversation with Joel, feeling frustrated that I didn’t realize what was happening at the time.  Driving to work every day, I still see white trucks and look for the Home Zone logo on the side of the vehicle, hoping it will be Joel.

I do not agree with the saying “Time heals the pain.”  I do agree that time might dull the pain, though I think that depends on how good one’s memory is.


4 Responses to “Emotional night”

  1. Connie Matalon Says:

    Hi April,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the web-site; it has to be extremely difficult for you to do that. Such pain for you and I feel so helpless. One thing that is certain and that you need to remember–is that you are a wonderful mother.
    Cousin Connie

  2. Kathy Peigh Says:

    Hi April,

    I had this partially written and hit a wrong button that sent it to a black hole I guess.

    Thankyou for writing such a heart’felt post. I wish I could help you but I can only say ditto to missing Joel. I also am waiting on that TIME thing to kick in.

    You are doing a terrific job being Mom and Dad and breadwinner, but that doesn’t help the heartache.

    Your kids looked great Sunday — and again we wished Joel were there.

    See you Wed.
    Kathy

  3. Julie Wolfschlag NIezer Says:

    Even though we all continue to look for the yellow Homezone sign on all of the white trucks we see…nobody feels the pain like you do. I can’t even imagine filling your shoes. You are a remarkable woman and I hope you continue to feel the love and prayers sent your way.

    You know I haven’t forgot…I do still owe you dinner. Love to you and the kids…tomorrow is always another day. XOXOXO

  4. Paula Cooprider Says:

    April,
    What a night! I think you have reason to feel overwhelmed and to cry. I’m also glad you have someone to help you figure out how to be both Mom and Dad. I’m proud of you for the good job you’re doing juggling all of the schedules at home and at your job. I know that doesn’t make up for missing Joel. I don’t pretend to know the pain you’re feeling-I have nothing to compare to your loss but I remember being hurt/angry when people said that “time would help” to me after Daddy was gone. Just know that in spite of your heartache we think you’re doing a great job! Joel would think so, too.
    I thought about all of you on Sunday and I, too, wished Joel were with you.

Leave a Comment