Not much of an update

Posted by April on October 22nd, 2009 filed in Family

Enjoying the fall weather at the park

Enjoying the fall weather at the park

I apologize I have not kept up the writing on this website.  It was always easy to update you when we had great news about Joel.  Though it was much more difficult to write about the not so good news, at least there were facts to report.  Now, it is so hard to describe my world — since I still don’t have a firm grip on it.  The best way I can express my days are by the varying degrees of haze or numbness that I experience.  Some days I am functioning in an automatic mode.  By the end of the day, I can barely tell you exactly what I accomplished that day.  Then there are the days that I wake up feeling that I am thinking clearer until I catch myself making all kinds of silly mistakes and mental errors.  (These are the days that I realize my incompetence, whereas the other days I simply don’t notice.)   Numerous times a day, I remind my kids that I don’t have a brain anymore — that seems to be the simplest explanation for my dinginess.

Speaking of the kids, they are hanging in there.  All three greatly miss their dad.  Daphne has told me that she doesn’t like to mention Joel in front of me since I always cry.  But I have told her that it is O.K. and that I want them to talk to me about Joel whenever they want.  Vincent will say short, random, out of the blue comments here and there, letting me know that he thinks of Joel often.  Rachel is still working through her separation anxiety — she is fearful that something horrible will happen to me whenever I am out of her sight.  But we have tried to stick to a routine with school, sports, etc.  Even with three kids to keep me occupied, I struggle to manage the huge void that exists with Joel gone.


6 Responses to “Not much of an update”

  1. Barry Gaines Says:

    I was caught in thought by their father today. He loves them and he is watching over them. He tuned my radio to Merle to remind me that Life is good and enjoy every moment. I love him and I miss him, but he is he is with GOD and he will watch over all of us… YO JP love you.

  2. Kathy Peigh Says:

    Hi April

    Thanks for the new post. I am sure it is very difficult to write when you think there is nothing to report. But all of us appreciate hearing about the things you think are “nothing”.

    Personally, I definitely love hearing from people connected to Joel, especially you or yours and Joel’s kids. They are precious and I enjoy seeing Joel in them. For brief seconds I am able to see through this veil of sadness into the sunshine.

    Like Barry we all miss him.

  3. Paula Cooprider Says:

    Hi April,
    I know it has to be hard for you to write and I am always anxious to read what you write. It seems wrong to look forward to your posts when I know it is painful for you but I do. It feels like a connection to Joel as well as to you and Rachel, Daphne, and Vincent. Thanks for doing it.
    Unexpected things remind me of Joel (kind of like Vincent in that it can be out of the blue) both when I’m by myself and when I’m with people. I think you are doing well to be coping even in “your without a brain” state.
    Thanks for the update about the kids, too. I think about them a lot.
    Paula

  4. Connie Matalon Says:

    Hi April,

    Thanks so much for the update AND the wonderful picture of Rachel and Vincent and Daphne. Even though it is painful for you to write about your world, it is much appreciated by all of us who read the blog. It helps us feel connected to you and Joel. Stan and I miss him…
    Cousin Connie

  5. Michelle Shew Says:

    April.
    You and I don’t know each other – I went to school with Joel way back when and we also went to vacation bible school together at the methodist church in prairieton. My family moved to Texas when I was in the 5th grade. Joel was one of the people I hated to leave behind – he was always such a good friend and fun to be around. I only found out about what happened to him recently as I just got in touch with another old friend from Terre Haute and they shared the news, heartbreaking. I am so sorry and wanted to share my sympathies with you. I certainly wish all the best to you and your beautiful children, and wanted you to know there is someone deep in the heart of Texas praying for you.

  6. Erin Carr Says:

    I too appreciate you taking the time to update the blog. I find myself, re-reading old posts, and looking at the photos, amazed that it wasn’t very long ago.

    The following are Joel’s words from his first Nov 2008 post, which seem to resonate profoundly within me:

    “I know that the structure that society places upon us often requires us to act and react the ways that we do. However, I watch my kids and think of children in general as they live life to its fullest and apologize for nothing. They never walk away from a situation where they think “wow … I wish I would’ve said or done that” because kids always say and do what comes to their mind. They have no inhibitions. They have yet to “learn” that discretion is the better part of valor. Sometimes to the embarrassment of their parents. However, I’m beginning to understand the true power in that line of thinking. I am learning about life from my own kids or at least remembering a time when the world was an easy place. As I return to that place I see no reason to leave. Life isn’t difficult, or at least it shouldn’t be. I often muse that the most spoken words in heaven as inhabitants look back upon earth might be “Why was I so serious back there?”

    As we were riding roller coasters last week, Daphne said out loud unprovoked after having raced down a large hill, “Wow dad, that made my tummy feel funny” as she continued to giggle and keep her arms raised. You know? She’s right. If we spend our time being scared of the next hill, we might just miss that crazy feeling in our stomach which makes the ride worthwhile in the first place. Think I’ll just keep my arms up for now. Talk at you soon.’

    Staying connected to everyone who Joel spent his whole life building and maintaining relationships with is what helps make this ride worthwhile, or atleast bearable.

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