Daphne's 10th birthday

Of course, yesterday might not have been hard for me since it was truly like every other day since July 24, 2009 — I thought of Joel throughout the day, all day long, just like I do every day.  Being at McCormick’s Creek brought back numerous memories for me of previous years that Joel and I attended the reunion — including the years prior to having kids.  We had some truly great times during our summer visits to that state park.  365 days later, I still struggle with the fact that I cannot talk to my best friend.  I cannot hear his opinions on current events.  I cannot watch the Cardinals with him.  He is no longer able to say funny things to me, which many times made me laugh so hard my stomach would hurt.  Now, it is just my heart that aches.

Almost anything triggers a memory of Joel — a song, a certain sound or smell, a saying or movie, certain places or people — or nothing at all, such as when I am cleaning my house and find that in the middle of vacuuming, I am crying due to a thought of Joel running through my head.  Though I would give anything for the previous couple of years to have never happened — on May 20, 2008, Joel was diagnosed with heartburn instead of stage 4 esophageal cancer — I have been counting my blessings at the many great memories that I have of time spent with Joel.  We had a blast together at Purdue.  I am absolutely privileged to be the one he choose to marry.  Three great kids are the product of that marriage.  Though I had never planned ahead, I had always just assumed that we would tackle the teenage years of these kids together.  We would help each one adjust to their new surroundings as they went off to college.  We would rejoice at our children’s weddings and enjoy our grandkids together.  At our 50th wedding anniversary, we look back and remember all the great times together.  Though Joel and I will not experience any of the aforementioned events together, I am truly grateful for the many years that I have known Joel.  All the wonderful memories I have with the man I love will be with me forever.

Tonight, as the kids were winding down and getting ready for bed, an errant football came flying from the hallway into my bedroom.  It knocked down a vase of dried roses from Joel’s funeral.  The sight of all those rose petals and stems scattered all over my bedroom floor, knowing they were “Joel’s” flowers, made me scream.  Of course I completely scared the kids.  I simply broke down and cried.  I tried to figure out what made me more upset — the fact that the flowers from my husband’s funeral – a man that should be downstairs in the living room, waiting on me to put kids to bed so that we can hang out – are spread all over the floor, even though they aren’t Joel, in fact, he didn’t even order them, yet they were sent to him as a sign of other people’s love for him — or was I more upset that the kids were playing ball in the house, something I have told them umpteen times not to do, and realizing that if Joel was still here, he would have said it once to them to stop that behavior and that would have been it.  Joel was always so much better at disciplining the kids than me.  And yes, they are getting away with murder right now.  I have had a family therapist try to walk me through how to successfully guide and discipline them without Joel’s assistance (“since they will be teenagers soon”), yet I admit defeat in this area.  As many of you know, raising kids is exhausting.  I feel so outnumbered.  I am burned out trying to verbally correct misbehavior.  Sometimes the consequences for their actions are more troublesome for me than they are for the kids.  I attempted to collect myself before saying goodnight to each child.

So, having just tucked in three children into three beds, I gathered up a kitten from my bedroom to take downstairs for her dinner.  So many thoughts and emotions flew through my mind as I took the last step into the foyer and I heard the door to the garage close — just as it did so many times every night when Joel would walk in and out of the garage.  My heart leapt with joy as I thought for certain it had to be Joel coming in from the garage, yet my mind quickly corrected that thought, crushing the idea with the fact that it would not be possible.  The only logical conclusion was that I had imagined hearing the door shut when it had not.  I screamed when I almost walked into someone in my living room!  I surprised Rachel as much as she had startled me.  All these emotions going through me in a matter of seconds forced me to sit on the couch and cry.

Often, July 24th feels like yesterday to me.  I think of what ended up being my last conversation with Joel, feeling frustrated that I didn’t realize what was happening at the time.  Driving to work every day, I still see white trucks and look for the Home Zone logo on the side of the vehicle, hoping it will be Joel.

I do not agree with the saying “Time heals the pain.”  I do agree that time might dull the pain, though I think that depends on how good one’s memory is.