O.K. — it has been a while…..

Yes, I have been told by many of you how I need to update the website.  It is nice to know that so many people still check it.  Back in early January, I had planned on updating the website once a week (at least).  Well, you know how that worked out for me…..

Basketball season officially ended this evening for the kids.  All three kids had great seasons.  Rachel’s team was one of two chosen from the Upwards program to play at Conseco Fieldhouse prior to a Pacer – Cavaliers game last month.  Rachel truly enjoyed that experience.  That evening, we stayed for the game and the concert afterwards.  (Some contestant from American Idol sang.  The kids enjoyed watching him and his band as we sat in the front row.)

Since my last posting, Rachel has also celebrated her 11th birthday.  With basketball tying up our Saturdays, I needed to plan her birthday party for a Sunday.  The day before her birthday was Super Bowl Sunday, so that day was out.  The most logical date was the following Sunday, which happened to be Valentine’s Day.  Though I can’t truly take credit for planning it for that particular day, I am so glad the party ended up taking place on Valentine’s Day.  I could not think of a better way to spend the day than to hang out with Joel’s family.  My parents drove into town for the weekend also, so both sets of grandparents were there.  Joel’s sisters, a brother-in-law, cousins and a couple of Rachel’s friends from school helped us get through this first Valentine’s Day without Joel.  Funny to think how one year ago, Joel had taken me to the roller derby on February 14th.  I can still clearly remember that night — going out to dinner, how it was bitter cold and we couldn’t find where we needed to be, the actual roller derby, etc.

Words cannot express how much the kids and I miss Joel…….

Fun in the snow and basketball season begins

Tonight…..

is so hard for me.  Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa, Joel and I always spent New Year’s Eve together without kids.  Some years, we had set plans with friends.  Other years, we just figured out something to do that evening.  Whatever we ended up doing for New Year’s Eve, we made certain we arrived home at a decent hour.  Once home, we would just hang out together until the wee morning hours — which always was more fun than the organized New Year’s Eve event.  What I would give to sit at home with Joel this evening……

I must thank everyone (friends, family, neighbors, co-workers) who offered such wonderful support, thoughtfulness and generosity to the kids and me this holiday season.  Though many people suggested to me to change our Christmas routine this year, we ended up sticking to the same format as previous years — kids opened presents at home in the morning and then we headed to Joel’s parents’ house for the afternoon.  Christmas morning, we discovered that Santa did not think a four year old cat was enough for our household since he brought the kids two four month old kittens.  {Needless to say, the kids are thrilled with the new additions to the family.}  Between the presents at our house and the gifts received from Grandma and Grandpa, the kids have plenty to keep them occupied in the new year.  Even our Secret Santa visited again this year, dropping off a very generous gift while we were out on Christmas day.

Merry Christmas!

Wow – what a night!

I have to admit that the Thanksgiving holiday was very difficult for me.  It tore me apart to spend that day without Joel — one of his favorite holidays.  As the kids pointed out to me on several occasions, they were sad that they weren’t able to help Joel cook for Thanksgiving.  They wished that we would have hosted Thanksgiving at our house again this year.  This incredible sadness I was experiencing  lingered for more than a week.  I could not update the website because I was afraid I would be too depressing with the post, too negative with my words.  Ironically, I thought of Joel throughout our activities this evening, but I had more of a sense that he would have been just bewildered and humored by the kids reactions to the events this evening.  Though I would have given anything to have Joel with us tonight, somehow I think he was.

The kids and I went to the Indiana Pacers – New Jersey Nets game tonight.  Thanks to Dr. Linda Malkas and Dr. Robert Hickey, who won the tickets at the Anna’s Ball silent auction, our seats were located in a suite on the FedEx Level.  We arrived early to the game.  After walking through the security check point, we were anxiously awaiting the permission to go to the suite.  While waiting in the main lobby area, Sam Perkins walked up to a group of people standing right next to us!  I was trying not to interrupt his conversation, but also trying to get his attention, so that the kids could get their picture with him.  I soon asked a nearby security guard whether it would be O.K. to ask the “Big Smooth” for his picture.  He assured me that he wouldn’t mind.  Then I had to convince the kids to stand next to the 6′9″ man!  (“No!  I’m not going over there!  He’s so big!” is the response I got from one child.)  Thankfully, all cooperated for the picture.  Next, we went downstairs to check out the suite.  The kids absolutely loved it!  Great seats, scrumptious food sitting out and plenty of room!  With total excitement beaming from them, we headed back down the hall to check out the Locker Room Restaurant on the lower level.  The kids were confused by the name (thinking we were heading to the Pacers’ locker room) and thus totally did not see Larry Bird walking towards us.  I unsuccessfully tried to discreetly tell the kids to look at Larry Bird, since we were the only ones in the empty hallway aside from the person who had just left the Executive Office with him.  My attempt must have been pretty feeble, since Larry Bird looked at me, chuckled a little and said hello.  The kids were so excited to go to the “Pacers’ locker room” that they didn’t even see him!  (Thankfully, we got a picture and his autograph later in the evening.)  I was thinking this had already been a really cool night — seeing Sam Perkins and Larry Bird in person.  Whew — this was so much fun!  It was just the beginning.  As we were waiting in the Locker Room Restaurant to get the O.K. to stand in the tunnel to see the players as they run onto the court, I noticed a man eating dinner that I thought looked familiar.  I couldn’t exactly place him — thinking he might be in a government position, or in television or something.  I would not have thought more about it if he hadn’t stopped on his way out of the restaurant to kid Daphne about something.  Then I knew he must be someone that I should know.  I asked the security guard who he was.  “Oh, that’s Coach Leonard,” he stated.  He confirmed that Bobby “Slick” Leonard wouldn’t mind having his picture taken with the kids.  So we quick ran down the tunnel for the photo.  (After the fact, I wished I got his autograph too.  Just way too much excitement.)  Then T.J. Ford came along and signed an autograph for Rachel.  (After T.J. scored the first four Pacer points in the game, Rachel shared that she really liked him!)  The kids were able to see the players run out onto the court at the beginning of the game.  We were able to assume the same spots in the tunnel at half-time, when many of the players high-fived the kids’ hands on the way to the locker room.

We thoroughly enjoyed the game in the suite.  Daphne was thrilled when she was broadcasted on the huge, half-court video monitor during a third quarter timeout.  The adults that joined us in the suite were very friendly and easy-going — they tolerated three hyper kids very well!  Though I chuckle that the kids did not know the basketball legends that we stumbled upon tonight, they still enjoyed hanging with Boomer and seeing a Pacer game in person.  I have included a few pictures from the evening below.

A.N.N.A.’s Ball

The kids and I had the pleasure of attending the 8th annual A.N.N.A.’s Ball this evening.  This charity event, a dinner and silent auction, raises funds for neuroblastoma research — with the majority of the funds being sent right back to the lab I work in to support the work of Dr. Linda Malkas and Dr. Robert Hickey.

As with so many things in my life, it was a bittersweet evening for me.  I remember attending last year’s A.N.N.A.’s Ball with Joel.  Joel and I had enjoyed ourselves last year.  And although the kids and I had a good time at the ball this year, it just wasn’t the same.  (The kids did truly love the orchestra!  I could barely pull them off the dance floor this evening!)  It is with great sadness, as I look at last year’s pictures, that I realize that the suit Joel wore to last year’s A.N.N.A.’s Ball is the suit I choose for him to be buried in.

Poem by Rachel

Daddy

We are all very sad,
And also a little mad.
We loved you so dear,
That is why we've shed some tears.

I miss your great big dinners,
They all were oh so yummy.
I miss the way you looked at me,
You were always so funny.

Then one night while laying in bed,
I heard a sudden ding.
I ran down the 14 steps,
And heard an angel sing.

That's when I saw you,
Big and bright as ever.
That's when you said to me,
"I'll leave you never."

"I'll always be there with you,
Forever in your heart.
That's where I've always been,
Even from the start."

What he said was true.
It was no lie.
The only sad thing was,
I had to say good-bye.

I told him that I loved him,
And I asked him to stay.
He told me he loved me back,
And I know that till this very day.

Even though I miss him,
Each and every day.
"I can't wait to see you in heaven,"
I know that's what he'd say.

Joel, your mother is still doing it……

(My apologies to Kathy Peigh — but I must write this post……)

Joel and I had gotten into the habit of taping all the television shows we enjoyed watching.  This way we could view them together at a time that was convenient to us and fast forward over commercials, if applicable.  We learned that taping sporting events was fantastic.  We would start watching the game after it had started, and at times catch up to the event live towards the end of the game.  Joel had shared our tactics for watching the Cardinals, Boilermakers, etc. with others so that they would not inadvertently ruin the end of the game for us by calling us during the game and discussing the live score.  (Such as for the Cardinals, the game might be in the 9th inning, but Joel and I were still watching the 5th inning at that time.)  On several occasions, Joel would be talking to his mother and she would accidentally comment on the Cardinals score — thus giving away the ending of the game.

I have continued this taping approach for viewing college football.  On Saturdays, I tape the Boilermakers usual noon start and watch the game in the late afternoon.  Today, I had to chuckle when Kathy called me in the middle of the  afternoon.  I had watched the Purdue – Michigan game through the third quarter (until Purdue was ahead 31 to 30) when my wonderful neighbor stopped by and asked if the kids and I wanted to go out on Morse Lake for a boat ride.  The girls were thrilled at the idea since Vincent was headed to a birthday party and they were looking for something fun to do.  I was feeling good about the Purdue game.  Knowing I had the rest of the game taped and that I could view it once we were back from boating, I didn’t think any more about it.  As we were cruising leisurely on the lake, Kathy called me and asked if I enjoyed the game today……thus informing me that Purdue did in fact win.  I smiled to myself as I recalled all the times Joel would be so frustrated when the end of a game would be shared with him in a similar way by his mother.

I have included some pictures from our adventures out on the lake this afternoon.  It was the first time the girls and I have gone kayaking.  That was interesting.  Next, we took a slow, lazy cruise on my neighbor’s pontoon boat — which was incredibly relaxing, almost therapeutic, to me.  Yet again, another time that I wish Joel and I could enjoy together.

The first Halloween…..

Joel always played such an important role in the kids’ Halloween activities.  He was the official pumpkin carver.  He always did such a great job in reproducing the kids’ pumpkin face designs that they requested on paper to the actual pumpkin.  I, on the other hand, am not so talented.  Though I would mark my first Halloween carving pumpkins as a true success since I not only did not cut off a finger, I didn’t even draw blood while carving three large pumpkins.  I have learned one of my major weaknesses in pumpkin carving, though:  teeth.  Vincent requested two upper teeth on his pumpkin.  One of the teeth I lopped off during the mouth carving process.  The other upper tooth fell off as Vincent was cleaning out the inside of the jack-o-lantern.  I had altered Vincent’s plans during the carving process when I added a tooth on the bottom — which has held up so far.  Rachel was quick to demonstrate to me how her pumpkin’s upper tooth is loose.  Thankfully, Daphne must have realized I was a novice and decided she didn’t want any teeth on her pumpkin.

Trick or treating on Halloween night was also Joel’s gig with the kids.  Previous years, I stayed at home to hand out candy while Joel took the kids around the neighborhood.  Obviously the kids still wanted to trick or treat this Halloween.  The trick or treating hours for Noblesville were set from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m.  We headed out the door shortly after 5:00 p.m.  The brightness and warmth from the sun made the excursion enjoyable.  The kids had a great time trick or treating and they got exhausted before it was even dark outside.  Since I couldn’t be home to hand out candy and go trick or treating at the same time, I decided to simply place a large bowl of candy on the front porch for the visitors to our house.  I have learned not to do that again.  There are two groups of teenagers that will probably incur extra expenses at the dentist office on their next visits.

I guess, in a way, to help bear this first Halloween without Joel, I agreed to a distraction for the kids — to foster a pregnant cat.  We picked up Lee Anne (name changed to Ella this evening by the kids) on the afternoon of October 31st.  We will anxiously await her kittens’ birth, which is expected in the next week or two.  Rachel has taken on the role of the main caregiver, so far.  Perhaps the presence of Ella will assist in distracting us from the enormous emptiness that we feel every day since Joel has been gone……..

Not much of an update

Enjoying the fall weather at the park

I apologize I have not kept up the writing on this website.  It was always easy to update you when we had great news about Joel.  Though it was much more difficult to write about the not so good news, at least there were facts to report.  Now, it is so hard to describe my world — since I still don’t have a firm grip on it.  The best way I can express my days are by the varying degrees of haze or numbness that I experience.  Some days I am functioning in an automatic mode.  By the end of the day, I can barely tell you exactly what I accomplished that day.  Then there are the days that I wake up feeling that I am thinking clearer until I catch myself making all kinds of silly mistakes and mental errors.  (These are the days that I realize my incompetence, whereas the other days I simply don’t notice.)   Numerous times a day, I remind my kids that I don’t have a brain anymore — that seems to be the simplest explanation for my dinginess.

Speaking of the kids, they are hanging in there.  All three greatly miss their dad.  Daphne has told me that she doesn’t like to mention Joel in front of me since I always cry.  But I have told her that it is O.K. and that I want them to talk to me about Joel whenever they want.  Vincent will say short, random, out of the blue comments here and there, letting me know that he thinks of Joel often.  Rachel is still working through her separation anxiety — she is fearful that something horrible will happen to me whenever I am out of her sight.  But we have tried to stick to a routine with school, sports, etc.  Even with three kids to keep me occupied, I struggle to manage the huge void that exists with Joel gone.