One year ago…..

I greatly appreciate all the kind words, thoughtful cards and fabulous prayers that have been sent our way for Joel’s one year anniversary.  I have to admit that Saturday was not as difficult for me as I feared it would be.  Perhaps that was due to the fact that the kids and I were at McCormick’s Creek State Park for Joel’s annual family reunion.  It was nice to be able to spend the day with Joel’s immediate and extended family.

Of course, yesterday might not have been hard for me since it was truly like every other day since July 24, 2009 — I thought of Joel throughout the day, all day long, just like I do every day.  Being at McCormick’s Creek brought back numerous memories for me of previous years that Joel and I attended the reunion — including the years prior to having kids.  We had some truly great times during our summer visits to that state park.  365 days later, I still struggle with the fact that I cannot talk to my best friend.  I cannot hear his opinions on current events.  I cannot watch the Cardinals with him.  He is no longer able to say funny things to me, which many times made me laugh so hard my stomach would hurt.  Now, it is just my heart that aches.

Almost anything triggers a memory of Joel — a song, a certain sound or smell, a saying or movie, certain places or people — or nothing at all, such as when I am cleaning my house and find that in the middle of vacuuming, I am crying due to a thought of Joel running through my head.  Though I would give anything for the previous couple of years to have never happened — on May 20, 2008, Joel was diagnosed with heartburn instead of stage 4 esophageal cancer — I have been counting my blessings at the many great memories that I have of time spent with Joel.  We had a blast together at Purdue.  I am absolutely privileged to be the one he choose to marry.  Three great kids are the product of that marriage.  Though I had never planned ahead, I had always just assumed that we would tackle the teenage years of these kids together.  We would help each one adjust to their new surroundings as they went off to college.  We would rejoice at our children’s weddings and enjoy our grandkids together.  At our 50th wedding anniversary, we look back and remember all the great times together.  Though Joel and I will not experience any of the aforementioned events together, I am truly grateful for the many years that I have known Joel.  All the wonderful memories I have with the man I love will be with me forever.

Happy 40th Birthday, Sweetheart!

We love you and miss you so much, Joel Peigh!!!!

At a rib fest in St. Louis, May 24, 2009

Congrats to Vincent

Vincent’s baseball team not only went undefeated in the regular season, they won their tournament this evening!  The team earned two trophies — one for being the regular season champs and the other for being the tournament champs.  Vincent was even selected by the coaches as the MVP of the championship game!  The Yankees were comprised of a great group of boys who played very well together and just had so much fun this season.

Congrats to Rachel

Rachel and her softball team won the in-house tournament tonight!  Yeah!  What a great way to end a fantastic and fun season!

Father’s Day 2010

The first Father’s Day without Joel.  How we wished we could have spent the day with him.  Since we could not, we decided to do something he truly enjoyed — going to a ball game in St. Louis.  Joel’s parents, the kids and I headed west on Saturday afternoon and took in the Sunday afternoon game at Busch Stadium.  Since my parents live just outside of St. Louis, the kids were able to spend time with both granddads on Father’s Day.  It was a great day — as best as could be had, short of spending the day with Joel.

Early summer 2010

Summer vacation is finally here.  The kids are enjoying being able to sleep in most mornings.  Rachel and Vincent are in their last week of softball and baseball, with their respective tournaments beginning next week.  The garden has been planted — and Rachel enthusiastically picked the first harvest today, a banana pepper.  After she washed the pepper, she insisted we all eat as least one slice of it.  We obliged.  (Though we thought it tasted better with a little ranch dressing.)  Vincent recently had a birthday too.  Though we have gone to the pool almost every day since it opened Memorial Day weekend, I don’t have any pictures of the little fishes.  Other pictures of our summer so far are below……

Emotional night

I am very hesitant to write this evening since tonight was very tough for me.  Well, actually, every night is hard for me — I so miss not having Joel to sit with and talk to, like we did every night.  Once the kids were tucked into bed, it was our time.  I miss hearing how his day was, what happened in the world of sports that day, watching a game with him, hearing his take on current events…..I miss him so much.  But, for Shelli’s sake, I must write……

Tonight, as the kids were winding down and getting ready for bed, an errant football came flying from the hallway into my bedroom.  It knocked down a vase of dried roses from Joel’s funeral.  The sight of all those rose petals and stems scattered all over my bedroom floor, knowing they were “Joel’s” flowers, made me scream.  Of course I completely scared the kids.  I simply broke down and cried.  I tried to figure out what made me more upset — the fact that the flowers from my husband’s funeral – a man that should be downstairs in the living room, waiting on me to put kids to bed so that we can hang out – are spread all over the floor, even though they aren’t Joel, in fact, he didn’t even order them, yet they were sent to him as a sign of other people’s love for him — or was I more upset that the kids were playing ball in the house, something I have told them umpteen times not to do, and realizing that if Joel was still here, he would have said it once to them to stop that behavior and that would have been it.  Joel was always so much better at disciplining the kids than me.  And yes, they are getting away with murder right now.  I have had a family therapist try to walk me through how to successfully guide and discipline them without Joel’s assistance (“since they will be teenagers soon”), yet I admit defeat in this area.  As many of you know, raising kids is exhausting.  I feel so outnumbered.  I am burned out trying to verbally correct misbehavior.  Sometimes the consequences for their actions are more troublesome for me than they are for the kids.  I attempted to collect myself before saying goodnight to each child.

So, having just tucked in three children into three beds, I gathered up a kitten from my bedroom to take downstairs for her dinner.  So many thoughts and emotions flew through my mind as I took the last step into the foyer and I heard the door to the garage close — just as it did so many times every night when Joel would walk in and out of the garage.  My heart leapt with joy as I thought for certain it had to be Joel coming in from the garage, yet my mind quickly corrected that thought, crushing the idea with the fact that it would not be possible.  The only logical conclusion was that I had imagined hearing the door shut when it had not.  I screamed when I almost walked into someone in my living room!  I surprised Rachel as much as she had startled me.  All these emotions going through me in a matter of seconds forced me to sit on the couch and cry.

Often, July 24th feels like yesterday to me.  I think of what ended up being my last conversation with Joel, feeling frustrated that I didn’t realize what was happening at the time.  Driving to work every day, I still see white trucks and look for the Home Zone logo on the side of the vehicle, hoping it will be Joel.

I do not agree with the saying “Time heals the pain.”  I do agree that time might dull the pain, though I think that depends on how good one’s memory is.

O.K. — it has been a while…..

Yes, I have been told by many of you how I need to update the website.  It is nice to know that so many people still check it.  Back in early January, I had planned on updating the website once a week (at least).  Well, you know how that worked out for me…..

Basketball season officially ended this evening for the kids.  All three kids had great seasons.  Rachel’s team was one of two chosen from the Upwards program to play at Conseco Fieldhouse prior to a Pacer – Cavaliers game last month.  Rachel truly enjoyed that experience.  That evening, we stayed for the game and the concert afterwards.  (Some contestant from American Idol sang.  The kids enjoyed watching him and his band as we sat in the front row.)

Since my last posting, Rachel has also celebrated her 11th birthday.  With basketball tying up our Saturdays, I needed to plan her birthday party for a Sunday.  The day before her birthday was Super Bowl Sunday, so that day was out.  The most logical date was the following Sunday, which happened to be Valentine’s Day.  Though I can’t truly take credit for planning it for that particular day, I am so glad the party ended up taking place on Valentine’s Day.  I could not think of a better way to spend the day than to hang out with Joel’s family.  My parents drove into town for the weekend also, so both sets of grandparents were there.  Joel’s sisters, a brother-in-law, cousins and a couple of Rachel’s friends from school helped us get through this first Valentine’s Day without Joel.  Funny to think how one year ago, Joel had taken me to the roller derby on February 14th.  I can still clearly remember that night — going out to dinner, how it was bitter cold and we couldn’t find where we needed to be, the actual roller derby, etc.

Words cannot express how much the kids and I miss Joel…….

Fun in the snow and basketball season begins

Tonight…..

is so hard for me.  Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa, Joel and I always spent New Year’s Eve together without kids.  Some years, we had set plans with friends.  Other years, we just figured out something to do that evening.  Whatever we ended up doing for New Year’s Eve, we made certain we arrived home at a decent hour.  Once home, we would just hang out together until the wee morning hours — which always was more fun than the organized New Year’s Eve event.  What I would give to sit at home with Joel this evening……

I must thank everyone (friends, family, neighbors, co-workers) who offered such wonderful support, thoughtfulness and generosity to the kids and me this holiday season.  Though many people suggested to me to change our Christmas routine this year, we ended up sticking to the same format as previous years — kids opened presents at home in the morning and then we headed to Joel’s parents’ house for the afternoon.  Christmas morning, we discovered that Santa did not think a four year old cat was enough for our household since he brought the kids two four month old kittens.  {Needless to say, the kids are thrilled with the new additions to the family.}  Between the presents at our house and the gifts received from Grandma and Grandpa, the kids have plenty to keep them occupied in the new year.  Even our Secret Santa visited again this year, dropping off a very generous gift while we were out on Christmas day.